A Day Of Drugs & Religion...

Good Afternoon,

Although I use the term very loosely.

For the last few weeks I've been heaving my way through one of my occassional 'bad patches'. I am a diagnosed Borderline (Google It), and although I am entirely against a lot of psychiatric diagnoses (I have previously put my thoughts and behaviours down to a creative nature) it is something I really do tick all the boxes for.
I can go for several months with no particularly disruptive symptoms and during these months, I am my usual outgoing, confidient, intelligent self.
However, the cycle invariably reaches a point where all my symptoms lash out at once. At these times, I become very withdrawn and my behaviour becomes irrational and irresponsible. I find myself crippled with extremely severe depression, and completely overwhelmed with massively intense mood swings, going from extremes of emotions in a matter of minutes.

So right now, I'm having a bit of a hard time of it. In the past, I've dealt with these phases through self-destructive episodes. Obviously, I understand that this is not a healthy way of coping, but I have found it useful sometimes to hit 'Rock Bottom' before I can draw the line and say 'enough is enough'. What I mean is, when I find I have lost my job, boyfriend, friends and anything else of any worth to me, I have to stop and say 'Right, this can't get any worse, I've got to try and get better now.'

But 'Rock Bottom' isn't really a viable place for me to go right now.

I don't know. I'm rambling.

Have you ever been afraid to move from one place, one position, because you're so scared of yourself? Last night I felt so out of control I was scared even to breathe, because I didn't know what I would do to myself.


Girl.x